Learning to Love

16 Apr

Learning to Love…Could it be I never loved before?…

I recently said this, but I am going to say it again: “If Kansas was ‘endurance training’ then Florida has been ‘strength training'”

Have you ever seen those people on the news after a tornado completely leveled their home and stole from them everything besides the shirt on their back? I know you have, it is a horrible, heartbreaking site.

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Kansas:

Kansas is simple. Tornado alley. I had no idea what I was walking into, and the best way to describe my stay there would be an image of myself, hunkered down in a storm shelter, holding on for dear life. Lies swirled around crashing all that I knew to the ground. I could not walk, I could barely breath. The fun loving, healthy, hopeful girl I was no longer remained. This new girl watched as the thousand piece puzzle that was her story swirled around her bunker, and all she had the strength to do was hold two puzzle pieces together– Puzzle piece: me and puzzle piece: Stephen. Puzzle piece: health, Puzzle piece: friends, Puzzle piece: identity, Puzzle piece: goals and aspirations, and most importantly Puzzle Piece: Faith, had whipped right out the window scattered across the corn fields. I was weak, so incredibly weak. Just holding on…..Endurance….

The Light that peeked through was Florida. There I would shine, I would piece it all back together! No one would even see my wounds. I would be instantly healed! (ha)

Once again….

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^ This is who showed up in Florida (metaphorically speaking). I was not ‘me’ I was something else now. I had gained 30 lbs in Kansas, I lost site of all the goals I set, and I had built a fortress around myself.

Well I was going to change that!

And so began the striving….

If I am the best friend ever, they will love me. If I meet all his needs, he will notice me. If I run a million miles every day, they will see me. If I say yes to every single request made of me, they will appreciate me. If I make money, don’t spend money, keep the house perfect, and continually add to my skill set, they will finally accept me.

Stacking weights, stacking weights….

Back to the post-tornado picture. What are those ladies holding? Boxes of stuff! I can imagine them frantically running around a half a mile radius collecting anything that remains, and stacking it in their boxes. Who wouldn’t do that? Thats what I did. I had lost myself, lost “it all”…so I frantically collected…exhausted all the time.

Holding stacks and stacks of weights, never able to drop them for fear they would shatter.

But then the heaviest weight came, without invite, and it was too much to bare. Everything I was holding fell to the floor. I could finally see it for what it was. Not because of anything I did, but because of what HE did.

“Because you are his sons, God sent the spirit of his Son into our hearts, the spirit who calls to, ‘Abba Father’ So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” Galatians 4:6-7

“No longer a slave”….need I say more?

God held me through the storm and watched me frantically stack my weights, so he could take it all from me. We cannot appreciate rest without work or peace without trial. Over the last 8 months. He has revealed to me, one by one, the strength that he has built in me by the weights he allowed me to pick up. I am in utter amazement. He turns ALL things into good.

So back to “learning to love”

My mission has been Jesus ~ His kind of love, the kind that truly surpasses understanding. In the past, my striving was met with a let down (striving always is). I can’t make people love me the way I love them, I can’t make people see me as I truly am.

Awhile back, I told Stephen, “Man, I wish I knew what my special gift was” (I had just been reading 1 Peter 4:10). Then he said, “You do know….its generosity.” At first I was a little taken back, perhaps resentful. I knew that generosity had hurt me time and time again. I wanted a special gift that would only make me happy! (haha).

So I prayed on it and I began to see Jesus from His perspective not from ours. We see the love he gives us, but sometimes we forget about the love we deny him or the love he was denied while he was alive. Had Jesus become discouraged he probably would have crawled back to Mary’s house and built little end tables the rest of his life (joking of course). Yet, he gave love freely and perfectly regardless of the response. His ability to do that established the greatest love story of our existence and the most perfect human example we have.

So through his life we receive the Holy Trinity of Love lessons:

1. How very much he loves us (beyond what our human minds can comprehend)

2. How to show love to each other

3. How to live in constant Love, not defeat (This is in relation to yourself, to others, and with God).

Its all in his life.

He is taking me on this amazing love journey and sending me little angels along the way, and I am so unbelievably thankful. I wear my gift of generosity like a bright shiny badge, because every good thing about me is of him 🙂

Love you all!!!!!!

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2 Responses to “Learning to Love”

  1. Merebear April 16, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    Your generosity gift does make you happy…it’s like the saying ‘blessing and a curse.’ I’m so impressed with your spirit and it encourages me! You also have the gift of determination and humility!! I’m so proud to call you my friend!! I love you!!!!

  2. builtontherockfitness June 24, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

    Reblogged this on Built On The Rock :: Faith & Fitness and commented:
    Hi guys! This is a blog I did awhile back about my journey from Kansas (where we were stationed last) to here in Florida. It depicts one of the darkest phases of my life. One that led to a moment where I questioned the very existence of God. I want to repost this because I know I am not alone in the “Journey’s to the depths of darkness”. I know I am not the only one who has thought “Is God really here, because this is pure hell?” The truth is he is here, always was, and always will be. He is watching over you and holding you in his arms right now. What ever you may be going through, what ever mountain you may be climbing, he has a plan to prosper you. The day will come where he will reveal all the work he was doing. He will never leave you disappointed. He loves you!

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